melcreada | Every memory that I have...

Last night, I watched several hours of Say Yes to the Dress whilst eating baked taters. Tonight was popcorn and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Love that movie! Can't believe it's ten years old. Wow...

I was also reading an article about breaking bad habits and when I got to this:

After years of negative self-talk (“Look at how fat I am,” or “No one likes me at work because I’m not talented”), a funny thing happens, says Dr. Rankin: People tend to withdraw from social situations and intimacy. A poor or destructive self-image is also linked with depression and anxiety.

I was like, whoa! Light bulb! I actually used to be fairly social and outgoing. It's never come naturally to me, but it never felt scary either. Now I'd rather have my toenails pulled out than go to a bridal shower or a work event. I have to mentally prepare myself for going out with my friends sometimes! It seems like my negative self-talk used to be a way to motivate myself (you can do better than that!) but now it's more like, "I am totally not shocked at what a loser you turned out to be. You can't do anything right." Sometimes I congratulate myself and feel pleased with something I've done, but mostly I am beating myself down.

What. A. Bummer. Must try to, you know, not do that so much. I think it's harder as you get older, though. You tend to hem yourself in: I can't quit my job, I have a mortgage. I can't start a new career, I'm too old. Not everyone is like this, but I know for me, sometimes it's a chore just breaking through my own thoughts and self-doubts. Forget about everything outside myself. I'm exhausted just talking about it! It's a selfish form of bellybutton gazing, to be sure. But that voice sure gets loud sometimes...

I really feel like writing, but have no idea what to write. I have half a dozen stories I have started and abandoned over the past couple of years. Maybe I should pick one of those up.