You're so Vain, You Probably Think this LJ is About You

Last night, I watched several hours of Say Yes to the Dress whilst eating baked taters. Tonight was popcorn and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Love that movie! Can't believe it's ten years old. Wow...

I was also reading an article about breaking bad habits and when I got to this:

After years of negative self-talk (“Look at how fat I am,” or “No one likes me at work because I’m not talented”), a funny thing happens, says Dr. Rankin: People tend to withdraw from social situations and intimacy. A poor or destructive self-image is also linked with depression and anxiety.

I was like, whoa! Light bulb! I actually used to be fairly social and outgoing. It's never come naturally to me, but it never felt scary either. Now I'd rather have my toenails pulled out than go to a bridal shower or a work event. I have to mentally prepare myself for going out with my friends sometimes! It seems like my negative self-talk used to be a way to motivate myself (you can do better than that!) but now it's more like, "I am totally not shocked at what a loser you turned out to be. You can't do anything right." Sometimes I congratulate myself and feel pleased with something I've done, but mostly I am beating myself down.

What. A. Bummer. Must try to, you know, not do that so much. I think it's harder as you get older, though. You tend to hem yourself in: I can't quit my job, I have a mortgage. I can't start a new career, I'm too old. Not everyone is like this, but I know for me, sometimes it's a chore just breaking through my own thoughts and self-doubts. Forget about everything outside myself. I'm exhausted just talking about it! It's a selfish form of bellybutton gazing, to be sure. But that voice sure gets loud sometimes...

I really feel like writing, but have no idea what to write. I have half a dozen stories I have started and abandoned over the past couple of years. Maybe I should pick one of those up.

Okay, I am going to reveal what a total LAZY ASS I am by stealing one, count 'em, ONE question from a meme posted by the fab wordsthatfail.

List the three to five biggest things going on in your life:

- HAIR, HAIR, HAIR. My hair is driving me insane! First, the gray is coming in fast and furious. I have to color it every three weeks and even then, I still have a skunk stripe along my part in that third week. It's weird! And all the coloring plus blow dryer action is making my coarse hair even coarser. Also, I still haven't found a style or stylist I really love, so it's still all about experimenting (often with blah results).

I cannot believe one the biggest things in my life right now is HAIR.

- Writing. I have been dabbling in drabbles and poetry, mainly to keep my hand in. I don't know if I've ever been really serious about it, but it makes me happy to play with words and goodness knows I'll burn out soon enough and put it all aside again. Best to enjoy it while I can.

- Music. I have started (yet again) to move all my CDs to iTunes. It's fun, seriously! *stabs eyes out* Looking forward to various concerts and contemplating one or two more before the year is out as well. I tend to forget how much I enjoy music and how it cheers, consoles, and  makes our silly little selves feel understood.

- Exercise. Sort of. I belong to the gym at work and if  can get 150 visits in a year, I get a 100% refund of my monthly dues. Last year, I got a 50% refund, but I am going for the gold this time! Is it wrong that I want to kill the perky, orange girls who work there? Seriously, dude - no one needs that much tanner. Bronzer? Whatever. YOU ARE ORANGE.

- Family. Well, family is always important, but I was just thinking yesterday as we celebrated Father's Day together: my parents and my brother are not in the best health. I could probably afford to spend more time with them, particularly my bro. And I make excuses sometimes because I feel like I deserve my down time and mostly, I like being on my own or with JP. Going to visit usually includes planning an activity and putting on my happy face and sometimes the happy face just won't go on, you know? But I need to get the fuck over it and start acting like a grown up. So, this summer will be the resurgence of family time! Whether they like it or not, LOL!

Hmm, actually felt nice to get all that out. Hooray for catharsis!