You're so Vain, You Probably Think this LJ is About You

 It feels weird to be posting an update (of any kind)...the last time I wrote something in an online journal, I had not gone to India or Nepal or Bhutan. My brother-in-law was alive, as were my kitties Ohno and Jiji. The last time I posted was two jobs ago. We were still reeling from my father's death. JP was relatively well and mobile. I only had 1 nephew. We had a president I was not ashamed of. Truly, a closed chapter now.

The world turns and I'm just hanging on for dear life. But I thought I would try broadcasting again. Into the ether and whatever handful of folks still remain out there. :) I miss live journal and the days when it was okay for us to have opinions that were not drawn along political party lines. As liberal as I have always been, I have been accused of not being liberal enough. The irony stings and frightens me at the same time. 

I'm older, but not wiser. I drink more. I am sadder than I used to be. None of this feels scary, though. It just feels like a natural progression. I feel angry sometimes and it almost makes me happy to know that the fire hasn't been put out yet. 

JP and I still laugh and poke fun at things...it gets us through the day. I worry that when he goes he will take my ability to laugh at the absurdity of life. Without that, I don't know what I will do.

I still have my family. The Kid and his wife now have four kids, all as dear to me as if they were my own. They are funny little things, each one so distinct and unique, I look forward to knowing them now and finding out who they will become. I am acutely aware, as I was with the Kid, that I cannot make this life easier for them and hope that their heartbreaks will be few and far between.

Work is work and I am lucky to have a steady job. My mom, Davy Boy, and JP could be better, but I have them now and am determined to enjoy being with them as long as possible. The last of the original four kitties, Kyo, has seen better days but as long as he eats and plays fetch, I know he is okay. 

Wow, this is way more depressing than I had planned. But it feels good to get it out. If I am not a total lazy ass, I will download some pics of my three months in India and travels to Bhutan and Nepal...

I can't seem to do anything right this weekend...

In other news, it finally got cold here after I gave up hope and put away all my sweaters. Said sweaters have been pulled out again and are currently strewn across the bathroom. : /

Anyone else watch the Grammys? I faded in and out but had a damned good laugh at Nicki Minaj (?) singing in a British accent and getting sex-ay with a bunch of dancers dressed like priests. It's like Madonna in reverse. Maybe I am getting too old to watch this show. I did enjoy the band called The Civil Wars. Loved their sound.

It has been a long, hard week, my friends. But I haven't cried yet...that's gotta count for something.

And actually, something nice did happen. JP brought me my favorite Marble Slab ice cream the other night when I was too exhausted to do anything other than lie in bed.

Oh, shit. I have eleventy billion things to do this week! Mostly it involves birthdays that are too close together and coloring my hair and taxes, but STILL.

Also, I am depressed. Probably hormones or similar, but all I want to do is sleep. Crying is optional, but doesn't cost extra. In addition, I have been on my period ALL YEAR LONG (feels like, anyway, and not too far off from the truth). Someone told me this is a sign of pre-menopausal women. MENOPAUSE. Just what I was missing from my life. 

Work is still ridiculous. I am bearing it with silent dignity. More or less.

Watched most of To Catch A Thief earlier. The fireworks scene used to be my favorite when I was younger, but now it's just damn funny. Still, Cary Grant is my perfect man. ♥ ♥ ♥

I have been having some trouble getting out of bed and going to work (post holiday blues mixed with sporadic crippling insecurity) so I have taken to listening to Jimmy Eat World's The Middle on the way to work to bring my mood up. It actually works most of the time - the tempo is upbeat and the lyrics...well, they are not poetry but they are words I think you need to hear sometimes.

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out 
And looked down on. 
Just try your best, 
Try everything you can. 
And don't you worry what they tell themselves 
When you're away. 

It just takes some time 
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride. 
Everything, everything will be just fine, 
Everything, everything will be alright, alright. 

Hey, you know they're all the same. 
You know you're doing better on your own, 
So don't buy in. 
Live right now and 
Just be yourself. 
It doesn't matter if it's good enough 
For someone else. 

It just takes some time 
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride. 
Everything, everything will be just fine, 
Everything, everything will be alright, alright. 

It just takes some time 
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride. 
Everything, everything will be just fine, 
Everything, everything will be alright, alright. 

Hey, don't write yourself off yet, 
It's only in your head you feel left out 
And looked down on. 
Just do your best, 
Do everything you can. 
And don't you worry what their bitter hearts 
Are gonna say. 

It just takes some time, 
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride. 
Everything, everything will be just fine, 
Everything, everything will be alright,alright. 

It just takes some time, 
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride. 
Everything, everything will be just fine. 
Everything, everything will be alright.

The meme is on hiatus for the moment, mainly because my weeks have been running together in a 
tired, slumpy blur. I hope to pick it up soon, though.

*le sigh*

After a positively decadent week of travel, David Cook concert, fireworks, shopping, drinking, and spending waaaay too much time writing and being on the internets, it's time to pack it all up and go back to work. Dammit. I actually spoke with a co-worker at the baby shower who informed me that we are incredibly short-handed (in the past two weeks, we have lost four people for various reasons). Hoo. Ray. Also, I can't work from home for the next few weeks because I will be training. Mmmm, nothing tries my patience like teaching.

But all in all, I am glad to be going back to work. Apparently when I have too much time on my hands, all I do is spend money and get rather depressed. This leads to drinking and listening to sad music and getting that horrible, desperate feeling in my chest that I always associate with Holly Golightly's 'mean reds.'

So, yeah. Also, my dad is going in for a procedure tomorrow where they want to biopsy his kidney. I am trying not to think about it too much because I can't do anything about it. I am trying to just be calm and positive (like THAT has ever gotten me anywhere before). My dad, to make matters better/worse/I don't know has made it clear in no uncertain terms that he does not want visitors. A couple of years ago when he landed in the hospital, he spent most of his time chasing us out of his room. So, joy.

Okay, going to shake it off, finish my laundry, and call the Kid.

Happiness Meme, day 7!

- I found a check for $20 that has been at the bottom of my purse for the past three months (a refund from the place we stayed in Cabo). Woo!

In other news, I am very blah. I have no motivation to work out, eat healthy, or return phone calls. Le depressed. Le lame.

I always feel vaguely guilty for being sad; I think I can blame that one on my mother! LOL! She never could understand why I was so moody and emotional. She used to tell me that if I was going to survive in this world, I would need thicker skin. She was right, in a fashion. But I am still, at heart, a big ol' cream puff.

Did see the first disc of Beck Mongolian Chop Squad and enjoyed it very much, even though I have never cared for that art style. Will have to check out the rest.

Well, not a whole lot to report. My dad is okay, but they still want to poke at him some more. Tomorrow is the end of my work week and, for once, the week just FLEW by. More work-related stuff later. Maybe.

In other news, WHAT THE HELL DO I WRITE ABOUT FOR NANOWRIMO?! I am leaning towards using another one of my freaky dreams, but which one would be better: noodle-head zombies or the one where David Cook yells at me (that might be kinda of short, actually)? Maybe I will have a long, cleverly-crafted, well-paced dream between now and November 1st. Heh.

I looked at my  401K today and was very, very depressed. I need to distract myself from the whole damn thing, but the only thing that I want to do is shop. Err...

We have been invited to a Halloween party, but I am completely indifferent about attending. I will be dressing up (whether we go anywhere or not) as Foxy Brown. Obviously, I look nothing like her, but I've got the sweet afro wig and that's all I really care about anyway.  ^___________^

I *hart* the Dewey Decimal System.

Melissa's Dewey Decimal Section:

352 General considerations of public administration

Melissa = 3529991 = 352+999+1 = 1352


Class:
300 Social Sciences


Contains:
Books on politics, economics, education and the law.



What it says about you:
You are good at understanding people and finding the systems that work for them. You like having established reasoning behind your decisions. You consider it very important for your friends to always have your back.

Find your Dewey Decimal Section at Spacefem.com

My hands and feet are *freezing* Oh, this crazy San Antonio weather!

I spent most of yesterday (and a good chunk of last night) on my hands and knees, with a toolbox, trying to fix two of our larger machines. I was racking my brains because I couldn't remember half of what I used to do to fix these suckers and I had an irrational fear that I was going to electrocute myself. Ya gotta love vendors who don't work Sundays like us poor slobs.

I am thoroughly in "funkdom." Not full-on depressed but not content. Something's brewing. I guess I will just ride it out and see where it takes me. Maybe at least I'll get some good "wah, wah, wah" poetry out of it this time. But I wouldn't count on it. ^_~

Random thought for the day: why doesn't live journal have moods like "malcontent" or "war-mongering"? I'd like to see the little kitty icons for those...