You're so Vain, You Probably Think this LJ is About You

Hello, dear friends. Checking in and laboriously typing on my iPad because I cannot be arsed to buy the keyboard attachment. I hope everyone is well. I can't complain much. Work is okay, the familia is okay (including bb Gabe, who is fat and adorable). JP and I have Spring plans that include a couple of hockey games, the Scottish Highland Games (turkey legs, wot wot), and a jaunt to both Austin and Lubbock to see the live broadcasts of Prairie Home Companion (JP's birthday present).

This past weekend I met up with Nay-nay. We had dinner and decided to walk around La Cantera, the swank open-air mall nearby that is lovely for like 2 months out of the year when it's not ridiculously hot, humid, damp and rainy, or allergen-ridden. Anyway, unbeknownst to us, Kelly Clarkson was there giving a concert to celebrate the opening of the new Microsoft store (I know, we will celebrate anything). She sounded great and did a beautiful cover of Fun's We Are Young, which I loooove. So, yeah. Free concert! Afterwards, we went for a couple of drinks and went home.

I have other stories, but I have forgotten them because I am old. Boo.

Will check in again, probably to admit that I have broken down and bought a keyboard cause this text-typing is for the birds.

And since I am feeling a little down, I leave you with Anis Mojgani's Shake the Dust

After my fantastic meltdown this weekend, I am feeling a little better. Yes, I am in a minor financial crisis not of my making, yes my job is so stressful that I regularly need afternoon naps/crying jags to get through the week, yes there are things in my life that I am avoiding because I don't have the energy to deal (health, house falling apart, refinancing rigamarole). BUT. I will persevere. A girl can dream.

JP cheered me up this weekend by taking me to see Anonymous, which I enjoyed except ( spoiler! )  Still don't believe the theory, but I love love love period dramas. Rhys Ifans, who knew? Hubba hubba!

Then we went to Half Price Books with our coupons and I bought a bunch of books on English history. Again. My Elizabethan/Shakespeare library, let me show you it.

Saw Nay-Nay tonight, which is always nice. She has agreed to go with me for sushi tomorrow and I am excite! Ten bucks says raw fish will not go anywhere near her mouth. It's okay - she is accompanying me which makes me : )

Ugh - last week's crapfest at work has spilled over into this week.

I would not be averse to hearing some good news right about now.

Watching Notting Hill in an attempt to cheer the fuck up.

- Still no announcement about the job. Slow burn.
- I felt so gross yesterday, I called in sick. Spent two hours at the doctor and get to go back in 2 weeks.
- I hate the doctor.
- Everything I eat is making me sick to my stomach so I haven't eaten a whole lot lately, yet my doctor's scale assures me that I am the fattest I have ever been.
- Ugh. Exercise.
- I am so stressed about a stupid meeting next week that I can't focus. I need to study up on the topic and work on some notes this weekend so I can be prepared.
- I received my bonus, so that was cool.
- Need to do my taxes.
- Friday night tax party?
- Was invited out tonight. Not sure why I said no (other than being sick, but really, I am not so bad that I can't go hang out with my friend).
- Whatever. I am in a bitch of a mood.

I'll stop now.

I have a wicked case of the mean reds.

Hate, hate, hate this feeling.

Am listening to Vivaldi go through his Four Seasons, hoping Winter will shake me out of it.

I have already washed the dishes and put away some of the Christmas ornaments (don't judge me!). Now, should I tackle the bedroom (such a mess) or wake up JP and insist that he cheer me up?

Decisions, decisions...

Last night, I watched several hours of Say Yes to the Dress whilst eating baked taters. Tonight was popcorn and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Love that movie! Can't believe it's ten years old. Wow...

I was also reading an article about breaking bad habits and when I got to this:

After years of negative self-talk (“Look at how fat I am,” or “No one likes me at work because I’m not talented”), a funny thing happens, says Dr. Rankin: People tend to withdraw from social situations and intimacy. A poor or destructive self-image is also linked with depression and anxiety.

I was like, whoa! Light bulb! I actually used to be fairly social and outgoing. It's never come naturally to me, but it never felt scary either. Now I'd rather have my toenails pulled out than go to a bridal shower or a work event. I have to mentally prepare myself for going out with my friends sometimes! It seems like my negative self-talk used to be a way to motivate myself (you can do better than that!) but now it's more like, "I am totally not shocked at what a loser you turned out to be. You can't do anything right." Sometimes I congratulate myself and feel pleased with something I've done, but mostly I am beating myself down.

What. A. Bummer. Must try to, you know, not do that so much. I think it's harder as you get older, though. You tend to hem yourself in: I can't quit my job, I have a mortgage. I can't start a new career, I'm too old. Not everyone is like this, but I know for me, sometimes it's a chore just breaking through my own thoughts and self-doubts. Forget about everything outside myself. I'm exhausted just talking about it! It's a selfish form of bellybutton gazing, to be sure. But that voice sure gets loud sometimes...

I really feel like writing, but have no idea what to write. I have half a dozen stories I have started and abandoned over the past couple of years. Maybe I should pick one of those up.

Oh, shit. I have eleventy billion things to do this week! Mostly it involves birthdays that are too close together and coloring my hair and taxes, but STILL.

Also, I am depressed. Probably hormones or similar, but all I want to do is sleep. Crying is optional, but doesn't cost extra. In addition, I have been on my period ALL YEAR LONG (feels like, anyway, and not too far off from the truth). Someone told me this is a sign of pre-menopausal women. MENOPAUSE. Just what I was missing from my life. 

Work is still ridiculous. I am bearing it with silent dignity. More or less.

Watched most of To Catch A Thief earlier. The fireworks scene used to be my favorite when I was younger, but now it's just damn funny. Still, Cary Grant is my perfect man. ♥ ♥ ♥

They were playing Death Cab for Cutie in the grocery store tonight. Anyone who lives in San Antonio knows this is WEIRD. But whatever the reason, rock on! Totally put me in a non-homicidal mood, which is pretty hard to do when I am in a crowded store holding perishables...

Now that I have been slapped upside the head with the breaking story that CHRISTMAS IS COMING, OMGOMGOMG!!!!, I feel like going to Bath & Body Works and Starbucks. Yup, yup.

No shit, Bono. Got any ideas on how to get unstuck, genius?



Okay, guys. Just had to get that off my chest. I could really stand to hear some good news. Who's got something to share?