Just posting this to make it "real." My father stopped eating and lost 30 pounds. He was jaundice so we took him to the hospital. His bile duct was blocked by a tumor.

Fucking shit.

So they put a stent in to clear his bile duct but they don't like how it's looking. He's going to the hospital again tomorrow for 3 days of chemo. I am terrified, but it helps just to write it down and be honest about how I am feeling right now.

Which is scared shitless.

Got back from the beach on Monday. Much fun was had by all (I will post a pic or two when I am not feeling like a total lazy ass). The weather was great, the waves were rockin', I drank icy-cold beer, and we ate the best seafood ever. All in all, a great mini-vacay.

The first night we were there, I couldn't sleep and wound up watching My Sister's Keeper. I totally lost it, freaking sobbing like my heart was broken. Terrible, terrible. Ugh. Just typing this, my eyes are welling up with tears. Talk about a total manipulation of every bad feeling I have been having lately.

Speaking of which, no new info on my dad and chemo. Still waiting. This past month has been the longest month of my life. I swear, every day is like a week. I don't even know.

Work continues to suck what is left of my soul, but whatever. I am trying that thing where I don't let stuff bother me. So far, it's not really working, but I'm going to keep at it. They can all fucking suck it.

I just realized I haven't checked my email in forever and the thought just exhausts me, so my sincerest apologies if anyone out there has written me - I will catch up soon, hopefully. Right now, I am just concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other, so to speak.

And finally, I just watched the Idol finale. I like Lee, but Crystal was robbed. I am more upset that Simon is leaving and that I was DENIED one David Cook appearing on stage. Yes, this is my life and I refuse to apologize for it. Also, Janet Jackson!!! Who thinks she looks and sounds just like her brother? Listening to her sing, though, made me sooo nostalgic for her 90s stuff. My dance team ripped off so many of her dance moves, LOL. I think I am going to go youtube her old stuff. Later, y'all.

ETA: I totally forgot to mention my one great LOL moment of the show - the Alanis/Crystal duet when Crystal sang, Is she perverted like me, would she go down with you to the theater? I swear I nearly peed myself, laughing. Ah, censorship. You always make me giggle like a 12-year-old.

I am so exhausted, it's ridiculous. I might take a nap after this entry, for reals.

I finally bought my ticket for Wicked. $20 in miscellaneous charges? Really, Ticketmaster? But whatever. I am excited!

JP is at the Star Trek movie, so I thought I would treat myself to a sushi dinner (yum!) and some Zipang sake (double yum!).

And speaking of food, I am reading Tales from the Scale, a cheapie little book I bought because, well I can totally relate.

( Cut for whiny, personal introspection about being chubbeh. )

Happiness Meme, day 7!

- I found a check for $20 that has been at the bottom of my purse for the past three months (a refund from the place we stayed in Cabo). Woo!

In other news, I am very blah. I have no motivation to work out, eat healthy, or return phone calls. Le depressed. Le lame.

I always feel vaguely guilty for being sad; I think I can blame that one on my mother! LOL! She never could understand why I was so moody and emotional. She used to tell me that if I was going to survive in this world, I would need thicker skin. She was right, in a fashion. But I am still, at heart, a big ol' cream puff.

Did see the first disc of Beck Mongolian Chop Squad and enjoyed it very much, even though I have never cared for that art style. Will have to check out the rest.

We buried my uncle today. The church was absolutely stunning. Located on the second floor, it had large windows displaying the hill country in all its wild, rough beauty.

I am glad it's all over, though. The grief I feel is not really for myself or even for my uncle's family. It's for my father, who was so close to his brother and yet, cannot express his grief. He's by turns chipper and irritable, quiet and bitter. He's angry; I can see that. But he's also an old-school Mexican man who must be strong and stoic to the people around him, even though it's just us. It's him I cried for today.

I owe some people emails and I haven't forgotten you, I promise! I've just been keeping to myself more than usual lately and that has to do with family stuff and the Kid being in town. I should be back to normal soon enough.

I really should be doing some laundry right now and looking for my copy of The Mummy (lost the DVD somewhere...).

Later, taters.

*sigh*

Well, I am not going to Seattle next month, like I had hoped. I have been sad for over a week now and need to shake myself out of it already. wonderelf, nurikot, and kamidake - I am so sorry I won't get to see ya'll. I hope you have a great time. I want to see pictures, particularly of nurikot's reactions to the greatness that is Sakura Con!

*sadface*

In other news, just as I suspected, Into the Wild disturbed me greatly. I slept with the lights on for several nights after watching it, the images of that kid starving to death superimposing themselves on what I had already imagined from reading excerpts of the book. I kept seeing him out of the corner of my eye. I totally don't recommend the movie. I'm just saying. Oddly enough, it made me very scared of dying. Which is weird, considering how two of my family members died recently and how close my father and brother have come to dying in years past. And this is what scares me. Huh.

Yes, these are the thoughts that have been preoccupying me for the past week and a half. I'm so chipper!

ANYWAY, other than scaring the shit out of myself, I have been trying not to take life too seriously, as I am wont to do when I get in these "super funks." JP and the Kid's birthdays are coming up. Must finish preparing for that.

I also want to be having this. Hooray, Shakespeare!

And finally, JP asked me earlier who I would prefer to sleep with: Ben Affleck or Matt Damon. It was like asking me if I wanted a pair of Mary Janes or a pair of knee-high boots. The answer is simply, "yes."

Hot Gimmick ripped off the "socially-inept, abusive boy-child  falls in love with the girl he is bullying" theme from Hana Yori Dango. Y/N?

Still loving HYD and their melodramatic use of Albinoni's Adagio in G Minor. Because that piece of music? Is love! So totally suited for a show like this (which, incidentally, JP calls "creepy" but whatevs). Also, it took until episode 6, but I am back in love with FMP:TSR. Poor Souske! Buck up, little camper! Am impatiently waiting for the last disc because I cannot be arsed to find the episodes elsewhere.